I am actually posting this from my cellphone. Right now I am in the second floor Hanes lounge chilling out because it is the last day of art classes before I leave for Korea. While there I want to keep in touch regularly but I'm not sure I'm up to a website, some picture site, a weekly email to friends and family AND a livejournal. Whatever I settle on though I will let you know. Wish me luck peoples, Laura and I fly out Sunday morning!

I'm a little shocked, I got my grades in and somehow I got an A on both the final and paper in weather. I mean I knew I'd do well but it was certainly not my most brilliant moment, that paper. So I'm very happy and very relieved! Now I've got the weekend to get some drawing in, clean up my apartment and pack some more things, and get ready to go to Texas!!! This past week I've been pretty reclusive since I've been housesitting for one of my mom's friends. Got to sleep in this morning for the first time on a weekday in a long time. I've been pretty lazy today though so hopefully this afternoon/tonight/tomorrow i do awesome things. Sorry for lack of updates y'all!

A quick update since I've been seriously lacking:

-Working at the gas station again, just once or twice a week and it's pretty nice, slow and easy and I get paid, kind of nice to have something to do in the evenings actually so I don't feel so guilty about having an awesome easy summer ;)
-Got accepted into the dorm at Yonsei, so that worry is out of the way!!
-Am going to beach this weekend for the 4th and I'm excited since I've been wanting to go to the beach for like 2 years now.... and never happened to make it
-Had best of luck today. Ran into James when going to the bus stop and we ran dramatically in slow-mo toward eachother across the quad. Decided to have lunch, and at that time 'Thleen walked by and spotted us! Then to add to the coincidence even more, Jeannie walked by and I got to introduce everyone to James (whom I've probably talked about affectionately to everyone but they've never met him..). So it was nice, and I got to spend some time with Jeannie which I want to do more of this summer. Everyone seems a lot more cheerful in the summer than in the semester, hahahaha
-birthday coming up, woot woot ;)

Wow, so much at once!!

- sold my car finally
- spending day with daddy
- possibly getting position as art tutor for some kid? if they're cool doing it only in the summer
- exchanged keys with Dan + good, much needed conversation
- feeling extremely assertive and healthy
- enjoyed one of last days sleeping in before classes again
- listening to Zagmeat's newest songs
- found car title

catch up:
- weekend rocked my socks off
- been drawing + playing video games + being uncharacteristically on top of things (hopefully not too little too late...)
- rearranged my room
- love driving on road trips

Everything is glazed, critiques are done, room is clean! On my way to Charlotte tonight and I'm very excited. Basically everything makes me excited. I have mon-weds to do whatever I want before second summer session and I get to spend the evening on Tuesday with Daddy-o. I need to make it up to the house more before I leave. So much to do and so many people I want to see before I leave for Korea. Such as visiting my sister in August! (I'm sure Mom will get in touch with you about it ^_~)

There's kind of a lot to update on. I don't know if it's pointless to worry about catching everyone up, so I'm just going to mention some stuff I feel like journaling about even if it isn't the most important thing at the moment.

'Thleen wants to play some of Mike's music on her radio show, and it made me inexplicably excited. Well I don't know about inexplicably, I always thought his electronic stuff was so good even though the band was great too but in a different way, and he never really focused as much on getting that stuff on the air. It felt kind of nice to have some nice reason to contact him even though I knew he might think I was just trying to make him talk to me or something. Anyway.

First summer session is almost over and critiques are here. I'm stressed about glazing for ceramics because I spent a LOT OF TIME on two of the pieces, probably 20+ hours on each, and I really want them to turn out fantastically. In painting I think I made some really good stuff but I don't know if it's intermediate-level, and I really hope he isn't all... "I like you, but you didn't try hard enough" or something.

This summer is freaking awesome. Every day I am making artwork, and then between classes or afterward jumping in to the pool as often as possible with 'Thleen, Laura, and Tristan. I feel incredibly lucky and productive. 'Thleen and Tristan are semi-new friends to me but I feel like I have so much in common with and can relate to them both so much. 'Thleen always listens to my whining about emotional dramas and I'm glad I can return the favor for her.

I'm spending a lot of time looking back at things that I have sort of shut out for a while now. Before I was always so angry and depressed so I just blocked it out, but I'm finally dealing with things in a healthier way. I genuinely was happy at one point with Mike and I've been telling myself for so long that something is wrong with me and that it just isn't possible and my expectations are too ludicrous. I twisted and turned and compromised myself to be this ideal relationship-ready girl for Dan, but that obviously didn't work out either. Deep down I'm always going to be this person who needs a lot of affection and connection. I'm always the kind of person trying to get closer and closer while the other person ends up getting further and further away.

When I do talk to Dan it just confirms all of this. I have a strong conviction now to seek myself out and do exactly what he advised when he was trying to break up with me. He said he didn't want me to compromise my idea of what a relationship should be just to be with him, and that's exactly what I was doing. We both realize it. Everything in my life is going back to normal now except for what I talk to him-- chaos again. I'm really upset with myself there. I said a lot of horrible things in a horrible way that he didn't need or deserve to hear. I don't think friendship is possible at all. I keep trying to talk myself into some way that it could work, but it couldn't. He has no idea who I am really and our lives are rapidly pushing apart directionally. We had nothing in common but eachother, and I know we loved to do all the same stuff hanging out together-- but I dont' think I can hang out with him alone. It feels like I would just be lying to myself and trying to make something work that wasn't meant to work. I feel guilty that I pushed for this relationship SO hard, SO many times when he warned me and tried to show me that it shouldn't. I feel like I dragged him through the mud just so we could reach this point and wasted his time. All because I genuinely loved him. But that isn't enough, and it is a really fucking selfish reason to hold on to somebody. I don't know how to tell him these things, he won't answer my calls or anything anymore. Guess I pissed him off now too. Well, knowing Dan, he probably just thinks this isn't worth the headache it causes him and is too much work so he's going to just ignore me and focus on his job.

Back on a positive, I'm going to Charlotte this weekend with Laura and Tristan. I get to meet his pet camel or llama or something like that. :)

This weekend has been pretty fantastic. Well all week has been really. On Friday Tristan came to visit me and 'Thleen at ceramics class and then afterward we all went to Weaver Street for dinner (white-chocolate citrus cheesecake!). Then on Saturday I worked on ceramics some on my own in the art lab and then I picked up the two of them and we drove out to Saxapahaw to enjoy their Saturday festival. It was perfect and beautiful and reminded me of everything I loved about that place. The music was great and we laid on the hill for a couple of hours (and got bug-eaten) and stared at the clouds. It just felt like the perfect summer thing to do, to be outside and in the country and having fun with two amazingly entertaining and wonderful new friends. Then afterward we drove back for a swim (though it was a little cold) and ate dinner over at 'Thleen's place. We walked around Carrboro at night and bought some tacos at the taco stand and chilled out on the porch of Open Eye.

Afterward I came home and drew a lot-- I feel really inspired right now. I feel so open and carefree like I'm setting myself free again and finding myself to be real. I feel things like I haven't felt in ages, not that I haven't always had extremely intense emotions but I just feel REAL, without all of that painful stuff.

Anyway today I met up with her at the art lab again to work on some ceramics. She finished early and I passed out on the couch outside staring up at the clouds again and took a lovely nap in the shade on a perfect afternoon. Then we walked out to Weaver Street to eat again (bad habits...) and ate outside again, totally perfect day. When I got back I jumped in the pool for a while which I've been doing frequently and happily. Definitely a good habit. Then me and Laura enjoyed some much-needed bonding and conversation with a walk on the path outside our apartment and relaxed to an episode of Australia's Next Top Model.

I feel pretty superb. I can't even describe or get into all of it right now, I just feel so natural like I'm coming into my own skin again. It feels so good just to be me. This is the best summer I've ever had, perhaps.

There is validation in feeling guilt-free, knowing that he has someone spending the night at his place, making breakfast with her, blah blah blah blah blah. I don't have to feel anything anymore. And the most important thing I took away from it is that I'm not going to cry about any of it, not going to shed one single tear.

Had a fantabulous day yesterday. The weather was perfect, I slept in as late as I felt like, and then Tristan came over to swim since our pool opened this weekend. I even got a nice little tan. I wish I had some kind of pool toys, but we made do with some bubble things I got for christmas, along with the disturbing green rubber monkey that blows up into a ball (remember we all got those?). The thing grosses me out so we let some kids play with it and left it with them, hee. We played some Soul Caliber and I kicked ass, though I shouldn't fail to mention that the triangle button doesn't work so well on the chrome controller... Anyway...

Afterward I picked up Daphne and we went to my parent's house for some awesome home cooking along with their neighbors. It was a really relaxing time, and a wonderful Memorial day :) I'm feeling pretty awesome.

***

Working on this painting right now that's based off of that painting Kira did in Mars. I know, it's cheesy! And I totally admit to it since I wanted to reference the whole idea of that painting, except that it's more of a self-portrait, breaking-out, regeneration kind of deal. It might end up awful. In that case, I might re-do it again just to get it right.

I was earlier musing in my journal (the real one, on paper) about, I don't know, the side of me that lies. I don't really consider myself dishonest, but there's those little things that build up. I just started surprising myself with all the things about myself I've put away because it made it easier for my relationships with other people to work out. It's a lot of small stuff that feels so big now. All of it has built me up into this ball of anxiety and planning-- dealing with somebody who has to have things be predictable, their way, specifically following rules and bending in and out of their reality. Sometimes I amaze myself at how finely I've honed this skill in my past two relationships. I want to be more honest. I want to be alone when I want to be alone, make plans when I want to, and be able to count on other people to keep their word and not have to worry about whether they will or not. I absolutely don't have to work around somebody else's schedule.

I wrote earlier about feeling human. I feel a bit more and more fresh every day that goes by. I feel excited, accessing this younger past part of myself that was put away. Somehow, I find myself believing in innocence. I've spent a lot of time controlling situations with the wrong things-- compromising my sanity, and yes, my body. I don't know how to explain that really. I remember back to when I was dating before Mike and how innocent it was, how completely slow, normal, healthy, and respectful it was. There was no weird dynamic and expectations (until the end).

Instead of feeling crazier, I feel more like myself. Comfortable, and safe. And familiar.

Just woke up, I had a long, horrible dream, I want to write it down. Warning, there is profanity.

( dream under cut )

At this point I woke up. I felt sick to my stomach still and it's always hard to wake out of those dreams that are psychologically torturing, but i just kept reminding myself that it in no way resembled Dan or what he'd do so I stopped feeling so guilty and infuriated. It's remarkable, which I've noted for the last year also, that I never dream about the person I'm dating at the time, but after it's over. I've been haunted by dreams about Mike for the last year and a half and now suddenly I'm having these nervewracking horrible dreams about Dan all the time. Somehow I miss the dreams about Mike. Probably because they don't hit so close to home anymore. And they're always so realistic, the way he acts, so I'm never hurt and disappointed the way I am right now. They dont' scare me like these do. Anyway, I just wanted to write it down and get it all out.

Edit: I just opened the Dashboard on my computer which I don't frequently do. I'd almost forgotten that I'd covered it with sticky-notes, each with some really silly/unique moment spent with Dan in which I felt very loved and special. I wrote them down so that if I was ever feeling insecure I could read them and instantly be in a good place. It actually worked, but maybe I should take them down. It was really kind of nice to read them and remember those quiet little things you usually let slip from your mind, individual days, instead of all the good ones blurred together. There is absolutely no doubt that we loved eachother. And Dan was the first person that I truly believed loved me, wholly, and believed that I could always depend on to love me. Things change, don't they. But it's kind of nice to know that at some point in my life I've actually had that. Even though I'm insecure soooooo much in relationships (which is the thing that ends up destroying them...), I felt the most secure in this one. Anyway.

Just a warning, this is a ramble and sort of a lecture to myself, but if you decide to read it you can force me to stick to my convictions and say "mary stop whiiinnniiiingggg".

Everyone seems to be doing the journal thing and I know I've been abusing it as an emotional wasteland, but maybe it's better to burden people at their own discretion (ie they can read it if they want to) instead of in person, because I can tell that I'm really starting to be a drain on people. I know, I want to send out a public apology-- I'm sorry for being self-absorbed, over-emotional, and obsessed with the same useless repetitive negative thoughts that are getting me nowhere. Laura is supposed to slap me in the face every time I talk about it.

It's time for super-fun Mary to come back. Super-fun Mary is fun because she is thinking/talking/concerning herself with things of substance and productivity-- not boys/relationships/updates on whatever the hell is going on like people want to know. She is painting, reading, and yes working on her website! She is watching movies, keeping her room neat, and concentrating on creating a solid foundation within herself. She is enjoying friendships and not abusing them. She is making jokes and being silly and not being absorbed with fulfilling her attention-whorish needs. It's nice, really nice, to get out of a relationship and know that I'm not a troll. Though I always seem to find somebody right away who is willing to be codependent and clingy as soon as I'm single, this is a terrible distraction, and I am going to put these 'opportunities' to the side and concentrate on other pursuits. Note to self: Just do it already, Mary!

Really, truly, I need to just do what I gotta do. No matter what he says or how I twist it around in my mind to have some great cosmic meanings, all he is doing is what he's gotta do. And it doesn't have to have anythign to do with me, or with him, what the other person does.

This is crazy!

Apparently painting something I'm proud of is all it takes to cheer me up and make me feel more positive. I actually did this one properly-- sketched out a composition, worked in details, worked in the shadows and lighting and then made the details clearer. This is the proper way to go about it, instead of slapping paint on and hoping it turns into something. You get really flat compositions that way. So this is the first stage of it, I want to make it a lot more detailed and all, but I'm really proud of it anyway.

I realize that I have to stop dwelling, and fantasizing, because I'm making myself miserable. I have a lot of love to give and so I need to spread it around (get your minds out of the gutter!) to people who actually want it. And be around people who are making me laugh, not making me feel bad about myself.

Ah, finally the weekend after a long week of classes. It's been fun and semi-productive. Today I actually have to go back in to the ceramics lab and work on something. That's the problem with clay; it gets dryer at its own pace so you have to be available when it's time to do the next step.

This evening I have to pick up Dad's truck so that I can haul a big canvas from Dan's place to the art building that's too big to fit in a car. I'm making an adventure of it because of some drama going on with Kathleen. It turns out her friend Raymond, whom we've been hanging out with at and after class, is an attention-seeking depressive psycho. I have advised her to let him drop off of her radar permanantly but she had promised him a ride to the airport tomorow and she can't take it back. That seems unsafe so I'm just going to take the both of them to the airport on my way to Raleigh and she'll come with me to pick up the truck. Hopefully he has the decency to not feign a breakdown/declare suicidal intentions while I'm around. I just have no patience for that kind of behaviour anymore.

I'm working hard to come over this complex of feeling guilty about having a life again. Whatever 'having a life is'. Spontaneously doing what I want to do (though I'm still responsible, I'm not talking out of control!), going to a friends' house to watch movies and eat Korean food without wondering if Dan was wanting to hang out and I'm missing some opportunity, or he's going to make me feel guilty, etc. In actuality all of that stuff is my responsibility but it's something I want to break-- it's the worst part about me and relationships, and it makes me a crappy friend to boot.

All of this sounds like some kind of bitching, but in reality I am really excited to finally have this freedom and room to work on these things about myself. I'm so absolutely not interested in meeting someone romantically, and I want to become a much better friend-- because my friends (and family) are amazing and fun and loyal, and much more fun. I never stress about my friends, there's always only love and trust there. There's a lesson to be learned in that. Of course, any shortcomings in my ability to have relationships like that is largely my fault, nobody ever actually told me "mary don't go out!", i just sort of made myself convenient so I would never have to face the music. That's me, micro-manager of myself and my boyfriends. Augghhhhhh. :)

Uhm, as my teacher called it "psycho-sexual" which I'll definitely not be able to refute. I'm pretty happy (maybe even enthusiastic) about how it turned out, though I feel really limited by my brushes and my lack of Zinc White (only had titanium).. But it looks pretty neat. Photo sucks, imagine it's even more detailed and more gross-ish and fleshy. Especially that sphere that is being pierced. I got this cool effect of veins under the surface of the paint. I really want to try out something cool with acryllics and this idea in the future.

No idea if it should be vertical or horizontal so if you have a preference let me know! It's under a cut because it might bother some people.

( pictures under here! )

Thank you body, for keeping my thyroid in check for several yers now without medication :)

I finally got my blood test results that I should have been keeping up with regularly for the past few years. I'm nearly too old for health insurance so I had it checked out to know what was up with it before it's too late to do anything about it. Miraculously I am fine, and I'm really grateful for that!

Classes started yesterday but we didn't actually do anything since it was the first day. Today in painting I covered a whole canvas, and while it could be done I have decided to keep working on it diligently because I'm usually a lazy artist and once something looks good i'm 'done'. But i can make it more kick-ass if I keep working on it more and more! Good thing I'm a fast worker. For something i didn't plan out at all and just kind of popped out of my brain it looks pretty interesting. I'll post pictures sometime soon.

I got out of my first class today early (can't do much without supplies) and came home to chill out since my second class isn't until 5pm. I was taking a bath and this really bizzarre feeling came over me and I thought to myself "I feel really human". It was just sudden, and I realized how strange it was that feeling human could be such a novelty. I want to hold onto this feeling. I remember talking to James about it not too long ago, just being what you are, a creation, not this spectacular whirlwind of a drama I've created around myself. It's not even about that stuff. I just felt my body was there, how it functions without any willing on the part of my brain. Usually it's incredibly depressing but at times it can feel like a great relief to know that you are not anything different than anyone else.

In my bath I also had one other realization. Yesterday I kept feeling like "why can't we just live this instead of talking about how we're going to live it?" Somebody definitely said that to me a long time ago. I haven't changed much! But it isn't until just now that I see that is the whole key to my control issue. I've always bent myself out of shape talking in and out of things, trying to secure a future through words instead of just doing stuff. I really want to start doing that too and just stop worrying about what might happen, or trying to prepare myself. It's really amazing the whole piles of layers of self-preparation and daily stress I put myself through just to get by one day. This feels like some kind of step forward.

I've got to be the worst person in the world at taking hints. I spend all this time over-analyzing and yet miss the obvious. He's already dating, and I'm sitting around worrying about the trivial. Come on Mary, it's not like you've not got shit to do and you can't get over it-- you always get over it, you just hang on because you think that it's the right thing to do or what the other person wants. I made this silly promise that I'd never leave him, since he always says how his exes left him (even though he broke up with them?).

I want to appeal to my rational side that says he is finally looking out for himself before others (wow! amazing! wonderful!) and I can't feel mad for one second when I think about that.

Then the side of me that is looking out for me is like "mary what the hell kind of (ex) girlfriend is sitting around not bothered by the fact that the person you loved and wanted to spend your life with is out dating people the very next day". I always end up in these twisted situations putting up with ridiculous crap that I know nobody else would ever do and I wonder of I'm some secret doormat, so secret that even I don't know about it.

I want to be all 'evolved' and 'unattached', but the problem is that I'm both attached and detached. And I don't like being either extreme.

FUCK.

And I'm jealous, because what he's doing (ie doing whatever he wants, living, exploring, trying on different metaphorical shoes) is what I wish I'd taken more time to do before getting in a relationship, but I always told myself well hey, if I have to choose between that and this wonderful person and a chance at a future with him, then I will make that sacrifice. I'm probably bitter because he didn't make the same choice for me. But as he-- certainly not the first person to do it though-- tells me, that's the control freak in me. I should probably be grateful.

So buck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself Mary. The second place prize isn't so horrible, you wanted it anyway and here you got it. Now you have to face yourself (which maybe you were putting off for less than noble reasons).

I'm hoping there's some magic answers in being single. Well not just single, but not in love with someone. My entire freaking life except for senior year in high school I've devoted probably 95% of my brain power to putting myself in other peoples' shoes, trying to understand them, and figure out what they want or need and if I can give it to them. It's probably a bit twisted, and completely distracting. Not to mention seeping in delusions of grandeur where I'm actually believing I'm important enough to control people like that. I manage to disguise this insanity by keeping up with a few accomplishments of my own in my outside life. I'm sure that this relationship was leaps ahead of the previous one in that I actually HAVE a life and stuff of my own going on. And I'm not financially/legally bound in any ways. But hopefully all this time with myself and my own choices and their consequences will show me that thing I've been missing that makes me into an emotional basket-case and control freak. Something that will prevent me from being irrational insecure. Something like assuredness, so that I don't spend my time in relationships constantly second, third, and fourth guessing myself-- even if I'm WRONG, catering until I don't even recognize myself anymore and i inevitable disappoint the other person because they thought I was who I was trying to be, and not myself, whomever the fuck that is.

Somebody tell me that I'm making sense.

School is officially over for the spring, though I haven't gotten all of my grades back yet. My goal in the next few days is to get my website with Laura up-and-running so that I have something to look forward to. I need to set my energy, passion, and ambition in a new and productive direction.

outside today is AMAZING, i just had to document that. It cooled down what might otherwise have been a hot-ass day in the apartment like yesterday. It's so bright out at the same time so everything feels so refreshing now! I wish I were a lot more proactive today. There's still some time left, but somehow I'm so easily tied-down distracted. Finally a rain that isn't gloomy, though :)